9 posts tagged “life”

Well, I did it.  This morning I voted for Barack Obama.  This former dyed in the wool Republican voted for a Democrat.  And I feel really, really good about it.  I truely believe I just voted for the next President of the United States.  It's exciting.  It's not going to be the first time I voted for a winner but I feel this sparkle of excitement to watch the returns come in this evening.

I also voted against the crappy Amendment 2 thing that's going on.  Honestly what difference does it make in my world if gay couples can marry?  Seriously, what is it?  Like 8-10% of the population is homosexual?  And the argument is that it could potentially cost tax payers more money in state funded family insurance plans.  Give me a freakin' break.  That's not enough reason to legislate against people commiting themselves to one another.  It's hard enough to find a person worthy of that commitment without having someone tell you that doing it is wrong.

In other news - not so good news - my brother and his wife lost the baby.  She had a D&C last week at about 16 weeks and they estimate she lost the baby around week 12.  Very sad news.  My brother was crying when I talked to him and that's a strange thing to witness.  Both seem to be doing a little better now but I'm sure the loss will stick with them.

I leave for North Carolina tomorrow.  I'm thrilled.  I get to spend a week antiquing - assuming my mother and (who are actually very excited to see one another) don't kill each other.  Beautiful pictures will be coming soon.

And just to keep people updated a little by what's been going on, pictures!

Not sure if this video will come through - but it's a good example of what an idiot I can be.  Lily turned 6 (see other pic below) and the adults decided to play in the bouncy house after the kids left.

 It's highly possible that Jeny and Frances will kill me for posting that, but I'm cool with it.  ;-)

Lily Opening Presents

Before this there was a wedding and after was a Halloween party.  I haven't yet received pics of the halloween party, but it was great. 

Things have been going really well here lately.  Gotta love life coming together!

I've been largely gone for a long time.  Why?  RL happened.  It's been such a busy time.  So what's been going on while I was away?

School started back up on August 19th for me.  I've got two classes this term - Environmental Science and International Relations.  I'm taking ES because I have to - it's a freshman science class that I never got around to taking.  I'm taking IR because it's in my major.  I've gone back to my educational roots and declared myself a political science major.  All that really means is that I'll graduate in May.  Only one class to take next term and then I get started with the next phase of my education.

I'm still undecided where to go to get my Bachelors.  I'm really leaning heavily toward Ashford University right now, but we'll see.  I've got access to UF right here in my back yard, but I'm not sure I could get in.  I'm not really interested in moving right now either.

That's because things are going well at work.  I'm at the tail end of the stuff for the software conversion.  It's going really well which means all the hardwork and time that has been put in up to this point was well worth it.  I even got a raise for  my trouble.  Yay!  I've now been with the company for a year and seven months - the longest I've been with any employer.  In a way it's comforting and I know that I can go places within the company.  But, in a way, I'm starting to feel the same old itch that started me in the business of opening companies up and then moving on to open up the next one - I get bored.  It's very minor right now - some days I don't even feel it - but I worry about that.

Things have been busy socially, I guess.  There has been a lot going on within my social circle.  It seems like there's always something to do and that's good.  It keeps me from getting bored.  It keeps me from getting too deep inside my head where things can get a little scary sometimes.  :)

The dating front is practically non-existent.  There is, however, a guy who's interested, vaguely, at the moment.  So, we'll see how that goes.

Frances' new baby is doing wonderful.  She's absolutely gorgeous and a little gem.  Watching her birth and then spending time around her has had the surprising side effect of making me really want one.  And sooner, rather than later.  That's the first time that's ever happened to me when a friend had a baby.  In the past it was always, "well, this is nice, but later is much better."  I'm still interested in doing it in what I consider "the right order" which is to say that it's the right order for me.  I want to fall in love and get married.  I want someone to want me before I go adding another person into the mix.  Then I'd like to have a baby - after I've been married for a while so I've had a chance to enjoy it.  I want to be making a little more money so it's not such a struggle (finacially).  I'd like to own a home.  So I've got a hell of a checklist to get out of the way before I start doing my part to keep the planet populated.

All in all, though, life is good.  I'm happy.  I'm busy.  And those two usually go hand in hand for me.  We're coming up on the holiday season and I'm actually looking forward to it.  It's starting to be cool in the early mornings and at night - I love that.  I can't wait until winter time when I can walk around downtown and breathe in the crisp, cool air. 

Looking forward has me happy now, which is a very welcome change.  I see where I've come from and I see that I've laid the path to move forward and I feel like I've accomplished something.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not ready to say what I've got now is what I'll be content with, but I'm content enough for now and with the path I've chosen.  Truly, there are better things on the horizon and I've got the map on how to get there.

I feel like, for as busy as I keep myself, that there is absolutely nothing going on in my world.  Sure, my life gets touched by those around me.  But nothing's happening to me.  In a lot of ways, that's good.  That means that bad things aren't happening to me.  But in a way it's bad because that means nothing good is happening to me either.  I feel like I'm participating in my friend's lives rather than living my own life.  I'm wrapped up in what's going on for my people - you know?  Friends who are going through rough times.  Friends who are going through good times.  Friend's that are getting ready to have monumental changes thrust upon them.  I'm sharing in their fear, their pain and their happiness.  But I'm not creating my own things to spark those emotions.

Then, it struck me - for how busy I am I'm not actually doing anything.  I'm not out there in ways that things are happening for me.  I'm working.  Good.  I've got a good, steady job.  But I've got things down to such a science here that most days I show up, do what I'm supposed to do and head home.  I'm getting ready to go back to school, so I guess that's something.  But I'm ready to step into another phase of life.  I'm not sure what phase I'm particularly interested in.  There are some major accomplishments I'd like to make over the next 20 years or so:

• Graduate with an AA (almost!), a BA, a Master's and a Ph.D.
• Get married.
• Buy a house.
• Have kids.

But there are also some things that are just on my "I need to start doing this stuff again" list:

• Get active in politics.
• Write.
• Dance classes.
• Exercise.
• Tennis.

I just feel like life isn't happening for me right now.  But, what is it they say?  Life is what happens when you're sitting around waiting for your life to start.  So here I am, wasting time (probably).  But all in all, feeling pretty good about being alive.  I just can't help but think that if I got involved perhaps I might start meeting people.  (And by people I mean single guys that might be interested in me.)  But first I need to tackle the whole exercise thing.  Thanks to Jeny and Frances I'm going to have a little support doing that.  We're all going to support each other and get a group thing going.  This could really work.  If I start exercising again perhaps I could lose enough weight to make tennis enjoyable again.  If I can start playing tennis I can really lose enough weight to get rid of this "big ol' blob" feeling I've got going on.  In turn that will make me carry myself differently and more confidently.  That should facilitate the meeting the guy so I can eventually and one day get married and have kids.  See how all this stuff is interrelated?  In the mean time I just want to start participating in my life again rather than participating in the lives of those around me.  Not that I'm not having fun and not that I don't love them, but it's time for there to be something going on for me.  You know?

I nicked this from gcgal who stole it from [this is connie].  Does this mean we're not nice girls?  :o)

If I've done 'em, they're crossed out.  If they're not crossed out they're still on the list to be done.

I'm feeling very nostalgic today.  I want winter of '03, driving through downtown listening to John Mayer and my Jazz mix CD.  I want my no-strings-attached-with-my-one-of-my-best-friends-sex that I gave up around February.  I want curled-up-in-bed-with-my-other-best-guy-friend just talking.  That's something that hasn't happened in a long time.  I want twenty-five pounds ago.  I don't want it all back forever - but maybe a week of the way life was in the winter of '03.  I was twenty.   I was so much closer to the big mistakes I made that altered the course of my life.  I had no idea the big mistakes I'd make just three short years later.  It was a rose colored time for me.  I had a good job.  No responsibilities.  I had everything I wanted right within my reach.  But, things change.  And I can wax nostalgic all I want when John Mayer comes on the radio, but I'm not getting that world back.  And really, that's okay.  Because just as things are different now they're also better.  Life at twenty-five looks a lot different than life at twenty.  And I like the view from here.  I like the person that five years of experience has made me.  But in the end, I'd still take a week of that time back, just to revel in that feeling again.

I'm still fighting this rabid need to pick up and go somewhere or do something.  I feel like I'm stagnating.  But not really.  I'm doing good, all things considered.  Really, I am. 

I just found out that next term I'll be able to pick up another of the courses I need to graduate.  That means I'll only have to take one class in Spring semester.  Good I guess.  Yet, I'm still no closer to deciding where I want to go to school next.  I want, desperately, to move.  But I just got back on my feel after a couple of financial blows and I'm not sure I'm ready to spend the sort of money it would take to do that.  Plus, there's the job thing to consider.  Here I've got a steady and reliable job.  It pays okay.  It gets better every year.  But I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life doing this kind of work.  Hell, I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this kind of work.  My mother's on my back about getting an online degree (which is really the only way I'll be able to stick with my current life and still go to school).  But, ultimately, it's my life and my education.  Right?  But this is an opportunity for me to move on.  Expand my horizons and all of that.

If I moved I'd have a whole new set of people to break in.  To me that sounds like more of an adventure than something scary.  People as I knew them have changed.  My friendships are evolving.  But if I leave I leave my godbabies.  But can I really design my life around someone else's family?  No.  I can't.  That's why they make pictures, email, telephones, cars and airplanes.  Right?  Plus, the ex that I spent so many years letting fuck with my head lives here in this town.  And, for some reason, that man is irresitable to me.  Right now I'm over it.  Actually, more over it than I ever was before when I thought I was over it.  I'm smarter now.  But I'm afraid if I hang around long enough I'll get back to my old trick and so will he.  Of course, perhaps it's time to give myself the benefit of the doubt on this whole "growing" thing.

This town reminds me so much of my life when I was really and truely happy.  What life was like when all of my family was here, when dad was alive, when I was young enough not to have all this responsibility, what life was like before I made the mistakes I made.  Moving on would get me out of that black hole.  Whatever it is that keeps me here and draws me back - those ties could be severed.

I could go somewhere where I could let a better class of guys fuck with my head.  This town hasn't offered much in the way of dating.  I live in a rural area.  It's all rodeos and farms and cowboys.  Women who look like me - women who act like me - don't have a whole lot of choices.  I've branched out as of late.  Experiencing people from other cities.  And, truthfully, the fact that those didn't work out has little to nothing to do with where I'm from and much more to do with who I am.  That's something that will go with me wherever I go.

So, why not go?  Aside from the fact that finacially moving would not be a great idea right now.  But a year from now?  Well, 10 months or so?  Maybe by then it would be viable.  But where to go?  Guess that largely depends on school.  Or, I could go whereever the hell I wanted and deal with school once I got there.  But if I'm going to embrace this whole idea of "the world is my oyster" perhaps I should apply everywhere of interest and see where I get in.  Hmm.  That might be a fantastic idea.

1. My to-do list here at work today is miles long and my stacks of paperwork are sky high.  I knew this morning, even if I worked balls to the wall all day, that I'd be here until dark thirty.  But I'm having trouble finding motivation.  No one else is here and working.  The rest of the staff has gone home for the day.  I'm wishing for a Friday of leisure.
2. I've got a lot on my plate this weekend.  Tomorrow I get to go watch my 3 year old godson play basketball with 20 other 3 year olds and I'm very excited about that. 
   

   He has two balloons!

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   I can't wait to take pictures of him in his cute little jersey.  After that it's off to Orlando so I can pick up my dress for Tamera's wedding and Frances can (hopefully) find shoes she likes for her own wedding.  I also need to buy shoes because my old silver ones from my sister's wedding are just damned uncomfortable. 
3. Sunday is a long work day.  I'm taking a long lunch in the middle of the day to make an appearance at an 8 year old's birthday party.  Which reminds me that I have to buy a present.  What do you buy for an 8 year old who likes everything?  I guess Hannah Montana is pretty big for that set.
4. I'm having dating issues.  Why is it so hard to find a guy that interests me that's also interested in me?  And not in the "you're great, let's be friends" way they always seem to be interested in.  It's probably mostly my fault for being so damn picky.  But the truth is, if I'm going to spend any amount of time with a guy he'd better be intellectually engaging.  If the only thing we can talk about is cars and guns and hunting and how quickly he can shotgun a beer then we're going to have problems.  I'm a kick ass friend.  And I make a kick ass wingman for guys.  I guess it's no wonder that when I meet a guy I like it's easy to be relegated to "friend" status while they search for the next great thing.   Ah well.  What is it I'm supposed to say?  It's their loss?  Lol, guess so.
5. I want to engage in a little retail therapy.  Trouble is, there's nothing much that I want to buy.  For the most part, if I want something, I go out and get it.  But it's now close enough to my birthday that I'm forbidden from buying anything.  Despite the fact that I loudly chant "no gifts!" my wonderful friends do special things for me.  I wish I could convince them that they don't need to spend hard earned money on me.  That's why I always through a huge 4th of July party.  That way I get to spend some time around the people who mean the most to me and they don't associate it with my birthday.
6. I'm sick and fucking tired of being perpetually single.  Maybe this would have been better suited as a part of thought # 4.  It's not so much that I'm aching to be married or engaged or even in a relationship it's that I'd like to have a viable prospect.  For once I'd like to be the one saying, "You know, I'm just really not that in to this."  How come it's usually them saying that to me instead of the other way around?  Maybe because I don't bother trying unless I'm already mostly sure I'm interested in someone anyway.
7. I'm still having trouble deciding on a school to do my next degree at.  There are only a couple of cities in Florida I'd be interested in moving to to continue my education.  Luckily both of those cities have branches of the company I already work for so a transfer would be an option.  But I'm looking at a couple of online degree programs from reputable schools.  That's always and option.  But I'm also thinking that I don't want to stay in this city town much longer.
8. I miss my horse.  I sold her a little over a year ago because I couldn't afford to keep her if I moved off the farm.  Plus, I needed the money to move into the apartment.  I'm really sad that I sold her.  But there's not much I can do about that now. 
   

   Me and Percy , October of '01

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9. All in all I had a really great week.  I got to spend some time with a good friend.  I got a looming problem solved.  Those are good things.  I've gotten a lot of work done this week.  Really, all things considered, I made a productive use of my time this week.  Plus, I've got being busy and surrounded by my people to look forward to for, oh, the next several weeks.  It's practically wedding time people!
10. Ugh.  I should get back to work.

Phew.  Tonight's planning session went well.  My problems are solved, life is good.  I feel like a party animal again!

All right, so maybe not so much a party animal - I think those years have passed.  But I'm happy. And I see a full night's sleep in my near future.  That is a commodity that hasn't been easy to come by in the last three or four days.

Yay for being able to solve issues.  I feel like a grown up!

I'm having a "scream and pull my hair out" day at work today.  My professional stresses are compounded by personal ones - I have a friend that refuses to get a hold of me despite my best efforts and another that's been unusually distant.  I'm freaking out.  About work and life.  Not to mention I'm unusually stressed by the whole car shopping thing I've got going on at the current juncture.  In the midst of all of that I read this article about a Buddhist couple who are never more than 15 feet away from each other (and I mean never) and a Slate writer who recreates this phenomenon with his wife for 24 hours.  I've decided that there's no way in hell I could do that.  I value my time and my privacy too, too much.  Of course, I've had way too much privacy this week, so I guess there's a balance.

(Read the article.  It's actually pretty interesting.)