I'm trying to get back in the swing of blogging here so, in honor of Tuesday it's...

TMI

1. What do you feel is the difference between sexy and erotic?

I think sexy can be sweet, calm and naive.  Erotic seems sort of down and dirty to me.  It's all the stuff that makes sex exciting.

2. Do you believe there is one right person (i.e. soul mate) for you out there in the world, or that there can be many different potential mates that you could live blissfully with?

I don't like the concept of "soul mate" - the idea that there is one person out there for whom you were designed.  I think we can mesh well with lots of different people.  The trick is discovering which of the people that seem right are actually right.

3. Do you need to hear "I love you" or similar words on a regular basis from your partner?

In the past it hasn't really been a part of my relationships - whether I thought I felt it or not I've never been one to say it so it's never been something I demanded my partner would say.  However, the more I deal with relationship the more I know I want that one day.  And I think a regular basis - if not a frequent one - would be very comforting.

4. What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?

Disappointment.  I'd sooner let someone think everything was fine than that they'd disappointed me.  I don't know why that is.

5. What is worse - physical, mental or cyber cheating?

For me, it's mental.  Not sure why.  Perhaps because I've lived through and overcome someone physically cheating.  It wasn't until their heart strayed that we had real problems.

Bonus (as in optional): The Kinsey scale attempts to describe a person's sexual history or episodes of their sexual activity at a given time. It uses a scale from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. Where are you - TODAY - on the scale?

I'd say probably a 1.5 There were times I was as much as a 3, but anymore I lean much more heterosexually.

I've been largely gone for a long time.  Why?  RL happened.  It's been such a busy time.  So what's been going on while I was away?

School started back up on August 19th for me.  I've got two classes this term - Environmental Science and International Relations.  I'm taking ES because I have to - it's a freshman science class that I never got around to taking.  I'm taking IR because it's in my major.  I've gone back to my educational roots and declared myself a political science major.  All that really means is that I'll graduate in May.  Only one class to take next term and then I get started with the next phase of my education.

I'm still undecided where to go to get my Bachelors.  I'm really leaning heavily toward Ashford University right now, but we'll see.  I've got access to UF right here in my back yard, but I'm not sure I could get in.  I'm not really interested in moving right now either.

That's because things are going well at work.  I'm at the tail end of the stuff for the software conversion.  It's going really well which means all the hardwork and time that has been put in up to this point was well worth it.  I even got a raise for  my trouble.  Yay!  I've now been with the company for a year and seven months - the longest I've been with any employer.  In a way it's comforting and I know that I can go places within the company.  But, in a way, I'm starting to feel the same old itch that started me in the business of opening companies up and then moving on to open up the next one - I get bored.  It's very minor right now - some days I don't even feel it - but I worry about that.

Things have been busy socially, I guess.  There has been a lot going on within my social circle.  It seems like there's always something to do and that's good.  It keeps me from getting bored.  It keeps me from getting too deep inside my head where things can get a little scary sometimes.  :)

The dating front is practically non-existent.  There is, however, a guy who's interested, vaguely, at the moment.  So, we'll see how that goes.

Frances' new baby is doing wonderful.  She's absolutely gorgeous and a little gem.  Watching her birth and then spending time around her has had the surprising side effect of making me really want one.  And sooner, rather than later.  That's the first time that's ever happened to me when a friend had a baby.  In the past it was always, "well, this is nice, but later is much better."  I'm still interested in doing it in what I consider "the right order" which is to say that it's the right order for me.  I want to fall in love and get married.  I want someone to want me before I go adding another person into the mix.  Then I'd like to have a baby - after I've been married for a while so I've had a chance to enjoy it.  I want to be making a little more money so it's not such a struggle (finacially).  I'd like to own a home.  So I've got a hell of a checklist to get out of the way before I start doing my part to keep the planet populated.

All in all, though, life is good.  I'm happy.  I'm busy.  And those two usually go hand in hand for me.  We're coming up on the holiday season and I'm actually looking forward to it.  It's starting to be cool in the early mornings and at night - I love that.  I can't wait until winter time when I can walk around downtown and breathe in the crisp, cool air. 

Looking forward has me happy now, which is a very welcome change.  I see where I've come from and I see that I've laid the path to move forward and I feel like I've accomplished something.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not ready to say what I've got now is what I'll be content with, but I'm content enough for now and with the path I've chosen.  Truly, there are better things on the horizon and I've got the map on how to get there.

I feel like, for as busy as I keep myself, that there is absolutely nothing going on in my world.  Sure, my life gets touched by those around me.  But nothing's happening to me.  In a lot of ways, that's good.  That means that bad things aren't happening to me.  But in a way it's bad because that means nothing good is happening to me either.  I feel like I'm participating in my friend's lives rather than living my own life.  I'm wrapped up in what's going on for my people - you know?  Friends who are going through rough times.  Friends who are going through good times.  Friend's that are getting ready to have monumental changes thrust upon them.  I'm sharing in their fear, their pain and their happiness.  But I'm not creating my own things to spark those emotions.

Then, it struck me - for how busy I am I'm not actually doing anything.  I'm not out there in ways that things are happening for me.  I'm working.  Good.  I've got a good, steady job.  But I've got things down to such a science here that most days I show up, do what I'm supposed to do and head home.  I'm getting ready to go back to school, so I guess that's something.  But I'm ready to step into another phase of life.  I'm not sure what phase I'm particularly interested in.  There are some major accomplishments I'd like to make over the next 20 years or so:

• Graduate with an AA (almost!), a BA, a Master's and a Ph.D.
• Get married.
• Buy a house.
• Have kids.

But there are also some things that are just on my "I need to start doing this stuff again" list:

• Get active in politics.
• Write.
• Dance classes.
• Exercise.
• Tennis.

I just feel like life isn't happening for me right now.  But, what is it they say?  Life is what happens when you're sitting around waiting for your life to start.  So here I am, wasting time (probably).  But all in all, feeling pretty good about being alive.  I just can't help but think that if I got involved perhaps I might start meeting people.  (And by people I mean single guys that might be interested in me.)  But first I need to tackle the whole exercise thing.  Thanks to Jeny and Frances I'm going to have a little support doing that.  We're all going to support each other and get a group thing going.  This could really work.  If I start exercising again perhaps I could lose enough weight to make tennis enjoyable again.  If I can start playing tennis I can really lose enough weight to get rid of this "big ol' blob" feeling I've got going on.  In turn that will make me carry myself differently and more confidently.  That should facilitate the meeting the guy so I can eventually and one day get married and have kids.  See how all this stuff is interrelated?  In the mean time I just want to start participating in my life again rather than participating in the lives of those around me.  Not that I'm not having fun and not that I don't love them, but it's time for there to be something going on for me.  You know?

Friday 13

The Top 13 Things Women Want In a Man

Read the article here.

Top 13 Things Women Want in a Man

How You Can Become an Irresistible Chick Magnet

By Patti Oar, published Nov 15, 2007

You may think that women want someone who is buffed and tanned and looks like a bodybuilder model from GQ. Those things are nice and yes we like to look at those guys, but just like you don't need for us to look like Victoria Secret models we don't require it in our man. OK. The 13 most important qualities that women look for
in a man are:

1. Honesty
2. Intelligence
3. Nice Smile
4. Sense of Humor
5. Manners
6. Sensitivity
7. Sincerity
8. Gainfully employed
9. Has own place
10. Owns a car
11. Affectionate
12. Considerate
13. Thoughtful

OK. First things first. Honesty is the NUMBER ONE trait that women look for in a man. That doesn't mean to be brutally honest and tell her she looks fat. (Never do that) but we want to know that we can trust that what you are telling us is the truth. If you've lied in the past it will be a very cold day in Hell before she trusts you again. And she may want to check your phone messages and read your email and call you 10 times a day to feel secure that you're trustworthy again. You may not like that but if you lie it may be the price you have to pay.

Intelligence: Women want to feel safe and protected and we want our men to be smart. Maybe even smarter than us. Women feel that your brain is your sexiest organ. So dazzle us with your brain and you will be surprised how stimulated we become. Kick her ass at "Jeopardy" and watch what happens.

Smile: We love your smile. We can't get enough of it. It makes us want to touch you and kiss you. So brush and floss and see your dentist and keep your mouth kissably fresh.

Sense of Humor: If you can keep us laughing you are golden. We love to laugh and we love a man who can make us laugh. This goes back to the smart thing as well. You have to be smart to be humorous. We like a man who's humor challenges us. Leave that 3 Stooges stuff for the guys. Women don't appreciate 12 year old juvenile humor.

Manners: Little things like manners are very important. Women don't want their man to drive up and reach over from the driver's seat and open the passenger door or just wait for us to open the door. A little old fashioned chivalry goes a long way. Escort the lady to the car and open the door for her. We love to be treated like queens. It makes us feel like you think we're special. And hopefully you do think she's special. We love a man with manners. We know we can take him home and our parents will love him. We don't want to have to worry about what you might do or say. We want to be with a man not a boy. That means no farting, belching, toe or nose picking, spitting, or smacking your lips when you eat. We want to know we can take you in public and we won't be embarrassed. And don't forget we also like to show you off to our girlfriends and we want them to approve. You want the girlfriends to think you're a "Keeper".

Sensitive: That whole thing about being "Sensitive" and getting in touch with your "Feminine Side" are all very true. A woman is waaaay more attracted to a man who isn't afraid to show his feelings and be gentle and sensitive. We actually think that makes you more manly. A man who clams up and thinks being macho is what we want is very wrong. One of the things that is extremely attractive to a woman is when it's obvious that you are attracted to us. There is nothing hotter than seeing how much we turn you on. Don't be afraid to show that. But of course there are limits and this can easily be overdone. Be careful about showing things like that at work or you might find yourself in a sexual harassment situation. And if you decide to try to tip your hand to a woman and show your interest, remember to keep it subtle. No woman likes a STALKER or a HORNDOG! We love to know that we are getting to you, but not in an obnoxious way. You may have to make some changes in your behavior. But of course, they'll be changes for the better and you will most likely be happier for it.

Sincerity: This is a little like honesty, but what I mean is if you need to change some of your behaviors to be more attractive to women then don't just do it to get the girl. This is something that has to be real. If you think that's not you, then maybe you should think about making a change. You can decide you don't want to change, that you like yourself the way you are, but if that was working for you then you probably wouldn't be reading this article. You were drawn to this piece because you must truly want to know how to be better with women and if you sincerely do then you may need to take an honest look at yourself and decide what you want because it has to be real.

Employed: OK. This is a no-brainer, but truthfully there are some men out there without jobs that think they can get all the women they want. I have no idea what makes them think that, but their egos are on overtime. Women need security and we want a man who can provide for us. That doesn't mean we don't want to work, but it does mean that we want to know that you are a responsible MAN.

Has Own Place: OK. Matthew McConaughey was really cute in Failure to Launch but that was a comedy. Seriously we don't want to have a sleepover at your Mom's house. Having your own place just shows us again that you are a responsible adult. And it does help if your place is decorated nicely. I don't mean you have to hire a decorator, but we're not drawn to frathouse chic. Impress us with your style. Again we want MEN not BOYS!

Has Own Car: This may not be important if you live in New York or in a place where the public transportation makes owning a car unnecessary but in most of the world you need a car to pick up your date and take her out. It is important to mention here that even though we love luxury cars we don't need that in our man. Women love men with all kinds of cars, but FYI keep your car clean (especially the inside). Nothing says SLOB more than a dirty car. Take out the fast food wrappers and keep it neat and smelling nice.

Affectionate: We really do love to touch and be touched. And I am not talking sexually here. But try holding her hand when she's not expecting it or gently rubbing her back. Little touchy things like that mean a lot. Rub her arm when you're reading the paper or do little things like foot and hand massages. Women love that.

Be Considerate: We appreciate the little things like holding a door open or not walking ahead of us. If we're sleeping make sure you turn out the light when you leave. Show her you care by picking up after yourself. When you get some dessert out of the fridge ask if she'd like some or make sure you leave some for her. Just basic consideration is so important to us.

Thoughtfulness: This may sound like consideration, but it goes a little further. Being thoughtful of her needs goes a long way. Maybe give her a call from work just to see how she's doing. While we love that we don't want to be smothered with a bunch of calls all day long. Bring something home for her when you go to the store, like some fresh flowers (I know that's cliché, but that's because it works) or maybe some of her favorite ice cream...just because. This shows us that you are thinking of us and that makes us feel important and special.

Those 2 words important and special should be burned into your brain. If you can always make a woman feel important and special you will be an irresistible Chick Magnet.
 

What question do you hate being asked?

Currently, "What happened to __________?"  Blank being one of a couple of people.  And also ,"Do you think there's any chance it'll go back to normal?"

1. I'm not people's keeper.  Sometimes people get a wild hair and disappear.  I do not have the answers.
2. Sometimes, and I know you'll find this a shocker, people choose not to be a part of my life anymore.  Deal with it.  I have to.
3. What's normal?
4. People come in and out of our lives - often their capacity changes.  That's okay.  It's dealing with that that is sometimes not so easy.  But we can either watch people go away or we can adapt.  Which sounds like the better way to keep good people around you?

1. My to-do list here at work today is miles long and my stacks of paperwork are sky high.  I knew this morning, even if I worked balls to the wall all day, that I'd be here until dark thirty.  But I'm having trouble finding motivation.  No one else is here and working.  The rest of the staff has gone home for the day.  I'm wishing for a Friday of leisure.
2. I've got a lot on my plate this weekend.  Tomorrow I get to go watch my 3 year old godson play basketball with 20 other 3 year olds and I'm very excited about that. 
   

   He has two balloons!

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   I can't wait to take pictures of him in his cute little jersey.  After that it's off to Orlando so I can pick up my dress for Tamera's wedding and Frances can (hopefully) find shoes she likes for her own wedding.  I also need to buy shoes because my old silver ones from my sister's wedding are just damned uncomfortable. 
3. Sunday is a long work day.  I'm taking a long lunch in the middle of the day to make an appearance at an 8 year old's birthday party.  Which reminds me that I have to buy a present.  What do you buy for an 8 year old who likes everything?  I guess Hannah Montana is pretty big for that set.
4. I'm having dating issues.  Why is it so hard to find a guy that interests me that's also interested in me?  And not in the "you're great, let's be friends" way they always seem to be interested in.  It's probably mostly my fault for being so damn picky.  But the truth is, if I'm going to spend any amount of time with a guy he'd better be intellectually engaging.  If the only thing we can talk about is cars and guns and hunting and how quickly he can shotgun a beer then we're going to have problems.  I'm a kick ass friend.  And I make a kick ass wingman for guys.  I guess it's no wonder that when I meet a guy I like it's easy to be relegated to "friend" status while they search for the next great thing.   Ah well.  What is it I'm supposed to say?  It's their loss?  Lol, guess so.
5. I want to engage in a little retail therapy.  Trouble is, there's nothing much that I want to buy.  For the most part, if I want something, I go out and get it.  But it's now close enough to my birthday that I'm forbidden from buying anything.  Despite the fact that I loudly chant "no gifts!" my wonderful friends do special things for me.  I wish I could convince them that they don't need to spend hard earned money on me.  That's why I always through a huge 4th of July party.  That way I get to spend some time around the people who mean the most to me and they don't associate it with my birthday.
6. I'm sick and fucking tired of being perpetually single.  Maybe this would have been better suited as a part of thought # 4.  It's not so much that I'm aching to be married or engaged or even in a relationship it's that I'd like to have a viable prospect.  For once I'd like to be the one saying, "You know, I'm just really not that in to this."  How come it's usually them saying that to me instead of the other way around?  Maybe because I don't bother trying unless I'm already mostly sure I'm interested in someone anyway.
7. I'm still having trouble deciding on a school to do my next degree at.  There are only a couple of cities in Florida I'd be interested in moving to to continue my education.  Luckily both of those cities have branches of the company I already work for so a transfer would be an option.  But I'm looking at a couple of online degree programs from reputable schools.  That's always and option.  But I'm also thinking that I don't want to stay in this city town much longer.
8. I miss my horse.  I sold her a little over a year ago because I couldn't afford to keep her if I moved off the farm.  Plus, I needed the money to move into the apartment.  I'm really sad that I sold her.  But there's not much I can do about that now. 
   

   Me and Percy , October of '01

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9. All in all I had a really great week.  I got to spend some time with a good friend.  I got a looming problem solved.  Those are good things.  I've gotten a lot of work done this week.  Really, all things considered, I made a productive use of my time this week.  Plus, I've got being busy and surrounded by my people to look forward to for, oh, the next several weeks.  It's practically wedding time people!
10. Ugh.  I should get back to work.

I love my neighbor.  He's an incredibly nice guy and we made friends practically as soon as I moved in.  I've been in a strange place this weekend.  Well, last week and this weekend.  I've been sort of adrift - and that's not all bad.  My friends are busy - they've got their own things going on, but I've been feeling largely alone for a while now.  One of my closest friends is sort of AWOL and absolutely refuses to answer messages and emails.  I could have used her this weekend - but it is what it is, you know? 

So I'm feeling a little displaced and I walk out to my porch and my neighbor's outside too and we just talk - for a few minutes - and suddenly I don't feel so isolated.

I have these expectations of people.  I expect time investment to mean something - probably because it does to me.  I'm learning that people respond differently to connection.  I've lost some connection to people that I've had.  I've been unable to make several connections I've been trying to make.  The lesson I've learned this week/weekend is that people need the space they need to process.  I've decided that being unsure of what you want is just as valid as knowing what you want.  I've learned that just because you want to know the hows and whys behind what people are thinking and feeling, if they don't know they can't possibly decide just to appease you.

So, I've decided to give my people time.  What I need from people can't be delivered until they've decided whether or not they're prepared to give it.  And just because I need something, because I've had a bad day or a bad week or a bad month or whatever doesn't mean that the people who are happy around me are equiped to be there when I need them to be.  And, I guess that's okay.

All things in their own time.  I've put some pressure - without really meaning to - on someone I've come to like and respect.  That person's not ready to define what they want.  That's okay.  I just have to figure out how to articulate that to that person.  I'm not in a hurry.  Somehow I gave myself and this other person the impression that I was.  It's easy to get lost in my head.  Space to breathe is a valuable commodity and I did a bad thing by putting pressure on that space.  I hope I can salvage something I think I broke.  It's worth it.  Whatever comes of it.   

I'm having a "scream and pull my hair out" day at work today.  My professional stresses are compounded by personal ones - I have a friend that refuses to get a hold of me despite my best efforts and another that's been unusually distant.  I'm freaking out.  About work and life.  Not to mention I'm unusually stressed by the whole car shopping thing I've got going on at the current juncture.  In the midst of all of that I read this article about a Buddhist couple who are never more than 15 feet away from each other (and I mean never) and a Slate writer who recreates this phenomenon with his wife for 24 hours.  I've decided that there's no way in hell I could do that.  I value my time and my privacy too, too much.  Of course, I've had way too much privacy this week, so I guess there's a balance.

(Read the article.  It's actually pretty interesting.)

Okay, so I'm thinking that I don't understand the concept of love.  Or, perhaps it's that I'm not as quick to trust the emotion.  This is prompted by the knowledge that my father passed away nine months ago and since that time my stepmother's been in relationships with two men (short relationship the first and the second has just started) who claim to love her, be one with her, find her to be their soul mate.  What's up with this?

It's certainly not jealousy on my part - not at this point anyway.  I'm happy doing whatever the hell I'm doing with the person I'm dating.  I think I'm largely happy because I'm not trapped under the oppressiveness that comes along with "I love you, you're part of me, I'm part of you, you're my soul mate."  That's a damn lot of pressure.

But here's what's getting me about the whole situation with my stepmother: how can you find two people in the span of nine months (four of which she spent not dating) that say you're their other half?  Are older people (and by older I don't mean old - she's in her early 50's and the guys were in their late 40's and early 60's respectively) more apt to assign those feelings to a relationship?  Is it that you get less guarded as you go on?  Or, am I the weird one finding that I like having that guard up?

Also, part of me is sort of upset that she moved from a 20 year relationship with my father saying the last year of his life that she'd never date again because she couldn't find anyone who loved her the way daddy did to two "in love" style relationships.  I know I shouldn't be and it's her life, but I am.  I think it primarily stems from me not understanding this current concept of love and it being something that you just run into sort of willy nilly like. 

Thoughts?

Okay, I have some problems with another relationship article.  I really think I should stop reading them.  Here's my biggest problem with them: they imply that men are all the same and pretty one-dimensional.  I'll admit that perhaps men aren't great with the emotions and perhaps even they don't feel things the same way we do but culture has taught us how to react to situations, right?  Still, not all men are sports-watching, beer guzzling, don't-read, can't-have-a-conversation lumps of flesh that a lot of the articles make them out to be.

This particular article has to do with the 5 types of dates guys will not want to go on.  And it's pretty emphatic that men period will not want to go on these dates.  Evidently the writer (a man) has forgotten that there are exceptions to every rule.

Date #1 - Hiking.  Evidently men don't want to go hiking because there are only so many flowers one can smell and only so many sunsets one can watch.  Also, there's not sports television or Internet access.  Here are a couple of things I have learned: 1) Wifi is in almost everything!  Nearly everyone has some way to access the Internet remotely and many of us from our cell phones.  In the event that something cataclysmic happens and he needs access to the Internet I'm betting that can happen; 2) There are quite a few men that given the choice to go outside and hike around and see the sites or sit at home and rehash the same old conversations or watch television would much rather be hiking.  And, not all men are married to the boob tube. 

Date #2 - Opera.  Okay, I'll halfway give the author this one.  But, there are some men who enjoy the opera.  And there are some men who, while they may not particularly love the opera, are willing to sit through it politely because they like the woman who asked them to go.  Not all men are Neanderthals who don't know how to behave in public.

Date #3 - Travel.  This one isn't so much laid out as a date as it is a complaint that women on dating sites all say they like to travel.  The article states that men don't like to travel because their work piles up while they're away and their boss discovers that the office (or whatever) can run smoothly without them.  Okay, did this writer suddenly forget that most women work now too?  Our work piles up when we're away also, but that doesn't mean we don't like to see places and expand our horizons.  Oh, also it's expensive.  My guess is if you've been dating someone long enough to travel with the you've likely worked out the fine kinks of finance.  Neither one of you are likely footing the whole bill for this excursion.

Date #4 - Clothes Shopping.  Who on earth is this man dating?  Do women really take men on dates where they're forced to hold purses and wait while the ladies shop?  Give me a break.  I've been around for a little while now and I've never heard a girl tell me that she found this great new guy and for their first date she's taking him to the mall so he can watch her try on clothes.  Yeah.  Mhmm.  Actually, I can't think of any time, new dating or old relationship where I heard of that referred to as a date.  Do we sometimes force our men to go shopping with us?  Trust us guys - as rarely as humanly possible.

Date #5 - Relationship Workshops.  You know, based on this guy's article I wouldn't be at all surprised if his girlfriends had repeatedly drug him to relationship workshops.  But, be that as it may, I can agree that maybe this isn't the most fun date, but how many women color it up like that?  "Okay honey, get in the car.  I've got a great date planned for us tonight.  A relationship workshop!" 

Well now I'm sufficiently peeved for the day.  I hate the implication that men and women are incapable of relating to each other.  Stuff like this feeds stereotypes that just aren't broadly true once you enter into your mid-twenties.  Well, and if you live outside L.A.